Editor’s Note: This is not a real news story. It is satire.
The sports apparel industry has become big business. In 2015, the industry brought in an estimated $125 billion in revenues, and sales figures indicate the the majority of sales were for men’s apparel. But don’t tell Troy Lewis, the President of the Denver Men’s Running Club (DMRC) about the industry’s fact and figures. Lewis’ all-male running group was seen picketing a popular, Denver-based sporting goods retailer after their 12-mile run last weekend.
“It’s time for men to stop being wussies, and to take back the rights that have been stolen from us by political correctness,” said the 47-year-old investment banker and 15-time marathon finisher. “I know it’s not PC for men to form an exclusive club, or to speak out against the preferential treatment that women are getting in certain parts of society, but the most sensitive parts of our male anatomy are paying the price for this social nonsense.”
Lewis’ group of y-chromosome-carrying members contends the sports apparel industry is ignoring the advancement of men’s technical clothing for the sole purpose of capitalizing on the recent explosion in women’s athletics, and the highly profitable clothing that goes with it.
“What is really fueling this inequity is the recent fashion trend that makes is acceptable for women to wear sports bras and yoga pants in public, even if they are not on their way to the gym, or show no evidence of having stepped foot inside a gym in the last decade,” complained Lewis. “It’s a social travesty on many levels”.
Lewis first noticed the phenomenon while reading the ads in the Sunday paper. “All I saw in the sporting goods ads were boobs in perfectly fitting sports bras. It’s not that I don’t enjoy looking at boobs,” confessed Lewis, “But when it comes at the expense of designing and selling comparable men’s wear that protects our bits and pieces, the industry has gone too far.”
Most of the women I see wearing sports bras don’t have boobs anywhere as big or perky as the models in the ads. That is false advertising. – Troy Lewis
Lewis has sent letters of complaint to all of the major, U.S.-based apparel manufacturers, asking that they invest equally in the design of apparel that protects the family jewels and boobs. He argued, maybe consumers don’t want to see pictures of men’s goods in the Sunday insert, but that is not justification for creating a plight of unnecessarily abused twigs and berries across this country. He has yet to receive a response from any of the manufacturers.
Todd M. is a 28-year-old construction manager from the northeast part of the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Denver, and has been a DMRC member since 2012. He agrees with Lewis on this gender-based issue, but does not wish to be identifiable in the story.
“My wife is a runner and has definitely benefited from the recent advances in women’s athletic apparel,” Mr. M. told iRD News, “And I really like the way her breasts are lifted and bounce when she runs in quality sports bras…sometimes her perfectly shaped and supported boobs makes it difficult for me to run with her. I nearly tripped on a curb last weekend during our run together because I could not take my eyes off her chest.”
It took a while, but iRD News was finally able to get Mr. M. to stop talking about his wife’s boobs, and to focus on the subject of this story. He said, “People have to understand that male runners experience nipple chaffing too. Where are our sports bras? Don’t the apparel manufacturers care that our nipples bleed at the end of a marathon from their poorly-fitting athletic gear?”
Lewis claims to have suffered from chaffed, bleeding nipples too, but argues that his nipples are not his greatest concern. “While chaffed nipples definitely hurt, it is nowhere near as painful as chaffing and bleeding on that hyper-sensitive skin that closely resembles the look and texture of a loose turkey neck. My turkey-neck skin has bled after being rubbed raw from excessive thigh friction due to ill-designed compression shorts.”
iRD News tastefully edited the more detailed description of Lewis’ scrotal injuries. He told us, “the second the hot water from a shower hits that fresh abrasion is the moment that my man parts react and retract. When that happens, I no longer resemble a man. It’s embarrassing.”
Dr. Richard Chaff is an endocrinologist and avid marathon runner from Aurora. “Proper fit of athletic wear is an important consideration for distance runners. I’ve found a variety of apparel manufacturers who provide a vast selection of gear to fit different body types.”
Dr. Chaff reported that even when clothes fit a runner well, they are still susceptible to chaffing when you exercise for extended periods of time, and the exercise induces excessive perspiration. “I use a body stick in those areas prone to friction,” said Dr. Chaff. The product is similar to a stick deodorant, and is effective at reducing skin-on-skin friction. While it resembles deodorant, the anti-friction stick is apparently not effective at reducing odors that emanate from these sweaty places.
Dr. Chaff recommends that his patients who run, particularly those who have diabetes pay close attention to skin abrasions, tears, and blisters that result from extensive exercise. “These injuries are prone to an increased risk of infection if not dried and treated appropriately.” Dr. Chaff did not think that going naked after a long run, or not wearing underwear would facilitate faster healing.
“All I’m asking is that the sports apparel industry value the male anatomy as much as it values women’s boobs,” said Lewis. “I’m not suggesting that they make readers of the Sunday ad inserts gawk at male anatomy before finishing their first cup of coffee. Not everything in this world is perfectly proportioned boobs, and men deserve the same love an attention when it comes to safely participating in athletic events.”