Editor’s Note: This is not a real news story. It’s satire.
iRD News – DENVER, COLORADO. A Kansas City, Kansas woman has reportedly contracted type 2 diabetes from using a dirty lancet. Bernice Smith, a 48-year-old mother of 3, and part-time, work-from-home computer programmer got the dreaded diabetes news at a doctor appointment late last week. Smith allegedly contracted the condition while visiting her high school BFF during a recent trip to Colorado.
“I was dumbfounded,” said the super-fit, smoking hot, 10-time marathon finisher. Her blood test results confirmed an A1C of 8.3, which is higher than the threshold for a type 2 diabetes diagnosis.
The fact that Smith is thin, eats well, and is very active led officials to suspect that she had contracted the disease through a contaminated blood-letting device.”I’m not even fat for fuck sake,” Bernice told iRD News, “I run marathons so I never even worried about getting diabetes. Someone really should have told me that I could get diabetes from a dirty needle.”
Smith’s physician declined to be interviewed for this story, telling iRD that he is bound by medical information privacy laws. The office is performing more tests to better understand the situation, which was relayed to us through the ex-husband of his clinic receptionist.
Smith asked her diabetic friend to test her blood sugar after drinking multiple Manhattans at a lower downtown bar in Denver late last month. The long-time friend allegedly did not change the lancet before performing a finger prick on Smith. “I just always wondered what it was like for diabetics to test their blood all the time…I was just curious about her diabetes,” said Smith. “I had no idea that I could get diabetes from someone else that had it. The government should really do something to educate the public.”
The friend confirmed that she did not change the lancet before performing a finger prick on her friend. “Change the lancet?” she said with a laugh, “I only used that lancet for three weeks. I had at least another three weeks of use in it.”
“I never understand why those damned diabetics refuse to change their lancets,” said Alice Jenkins, a registered nurse and certified diabetes educator in Denver. Diabetes patients are encouraged to change their lancets after every single finger stick. “The devices are not designed for multiple use, and not following protocols exposes patients to a risk of infection.” Nurse Jenkins does not recommend using your device to test someone else’s sugar, especially if you’re dumb enough to not change the lancet.
Smith had planned the fateful trip to Colorado for several months. The friends reported doing some shopping along the 16th Street Mall, but admitted to spending the majority of their time together in the bars of lower downtown. “Yes, I went to Colorado to smoke a little pot, and drink some micro brews with my friend,” said Smith about the visit. “The worst that I expected to bring back to Kansas was a hangover, and if I was lucky, a treatable venereal disease. Instead, I came home with the diabetes.”
Smith’s diabetic friend expressed doubt over the link between the finger prick and Smith’s subsequent diagnosis with type 2 diabetes. The friend reported being a type 1 diabetic since the age of 6. “Type 1 and type 2 diabetes aren’t even close to being the same condition,” said the friend who wished to remain anonymous. “There has never been evidence to support that diabetes is contagious. This is just stupid.”
According to a high-ranking iRD source at the Center for Disease Control, diabetes was not previously believed to be contagious. “A skinny, hot, marathon-running woman should not get type 2 diabetes out of the blue,” she said. “This case is suspicious, and the U.S. government intends to get to the bottom of it.”