iRD News: Trump Releases Plan To End Type 2 Diabetes

Editor’s Note: This is not a real news story. It’s satire.

iRD News: DENVER, COLORADO – Through the personal blog of a low-level advisor to his senior political advisors, Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump released a plan this morning to end the type 2 diabetes epidemic in America. The 3-page, double-spaced document titled, “Mein Fat People” outlines a 4-pronged approach to deal with the chronic condition that effects an estimated 29 million Americans, or 9.3% of the U.S. population.

“I’m the only candidate willing to talk about stuff that isn’t politically correct,” Trump told iRD News. “None of those career politicians will touch this stuff. In fact, I’m not only brave enough to talk about it, but I’m willing to write it down on paper and let other people read it…for free.”

If elected President, Mr. Trump promised to launch a war on diabetics within his first 100 days in office. When asked if he meant that he was going to launch a war on diabetes, and not diabetics, Mr. Trump said, “Whatever.” He went on to explain, “Fat people are killing our economy and letting countries like Japan get the upper hand. How many fat Japanese people do you know? Probably none, unless you count Sumo wrestlers. It’s still not very many.”

Trump’s plan would simultaneous deploy 4 strategies, which would fall under the joint jurisdictions of the Department of Homeland Security, and the Department of Health and Human Services. The strategies include:

  • Immediately ban all type 2 diabetics from entering the country
  • Build walls around all fast food restaurants and Old Country Buffets, which will be financed entirely by Canadians
  • Compile a registry of all existing type 2 diabetics in the country, and
  • Eliminate government-sponsored, and government-subsidized health insurance coverage for type 2 diabetics.

“These people are costing us a ton of money in healthcare costs, and lost productivity, and we cannot afford to have any more of them in our country,” said the almost-front-running Republican.

According to the American Diabetes Association, the cost of diabetes in America was estimated at $245 billion in 2012.

“We need to put those healthcare costs back into the hands of the businesses that create jobs in this country. It’s time to make our business owners and health insurance companies rich and powerful again.”

Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore

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