Editor’s Note: This is not a real news story. It’s satire.
iRD News: LAKEWOOD, COLORADO – If following a simple, diet-less protocol to cure diabetes, lose unwanted weight, and to perfect your lipid profile sounds too good to be true, you need to meet Chuck Upward. The 37-year old petroleum engineer turned health entrepreneur from Lakewood, Colorado has devised a plan that he says achieves all of these results quickly, and more.
“I was tired of expensive pills, complicated diets, and exhausting exercise routines to control my type 2 diabetes,” said the overnight sensation who is back to his high school wrestling weight. “Even when my blood sugars were stable, I struggled to lose that last, stubborn eighty-five pounds around my midsection.” Upward set out to find an approach that would would work for absolutely everyone. His book, The Air-Based Diabetes Cure, just entered its 13th week on the New Jersey Globe’s Best-Seller list.
“I wanted something that was inexpensive and accessible to everyone…or at least those not living in highly-polluted cities. Everyone breathes air, so I based my approach on that”. Upward claims that his no-calorie air diet eliminated his type 2 diabetes within days, and virtually eliminated his unwanted belly overnight.
iRD News asked Upward if he could provide any scientifically-based research to support the safety or efficacy of his Air-Based Diet, since it was conspicuously absent from his book. “Nobody gives a shit about the science behind great results,” he told us. “People only want to know how to get similar results. Nobody has time to read a scientific treatise on something that they wouldn’t understand anyway.”
iRD News also asked Upward about his background, and if he had any professional credentials that qualify him to provide medical advice to the general public. He said, “My market research revealed that actual credentials were no longer relevant to starting a health-based business. In this age of the Internet, people are not as interested in your qualifications as the results that you can promise them.”
Upward’s rise to success sprang from a popular Instagram account that he started as part of his pre-book launch strategy. He posted regular selfies that documented the dramatic results he was achieving. As time went on – and his belly wasn’t as fat and unattractive as it was at the beginning – the photos became more risque, including artfully tasteful shots of the impressive happy trail sprouting from his colorful, spandex compression shorts. “Solid results and solid Photoshop skills can take an entrepreneur a long way,” said Upward. At press time, Upward’s Instagram account had more than 190,000 followers, which appeared to be mostly older men.
“If you get the results that other people desire, they are willing to pay you to learn your secrets. There is nothing harmful or complicated about breathing clean air.”
Upward also credits the rapid success of his book sales to a fantastic cover design, which really pops on all the internet-based selling houses. Upward outsourced the cover art design to a talented high school student in India, which cost him next to nothing. The cover design success gave Upward the idea to write another book on how to outsource cover designs for other first-time authors who want to hit a best-seller list. He does not yet have a publisher, or a release date for the second work.
“Like my first book, I am simply going to give people hope. Everyone is willing to pay for hope,” said Upward. “As long as people believe me, I am as qualified as the next guy.”